Bailout Plan Rejected

From reliable sources:

The world of football was rocked to its very foundations last night, when the controversial proposed bailout of Tottenham Hotspur FC was unanimously rejected by the Premier League.

The Spurs crisis began in 2006 when the Board inexplicably began to invest substantial sums in so-called subprime footballers, each of whom is now effectively worthless. "No-one bothered to check if these players had any ability to pay back the enormous sums that had been invested in them," said one anguished fan, "...the club just assumed their value would keep on rising."

With pressure growing from nervous creditors, Spurs were obliged to sell their remaining valuable players like Berbatov and Keane, leaving behind only 'toxic assets' like Bentley and Pavlyuchenko. "We spent £29million on that pair....seems crazy now doesn't it?" It is impossible to tell what they're worth now, because demand for such expensive mediocrity has completely dried up.

Spurs had begged the Premier League to create a bailout fund to purchase their entire first-team squad, thus freeing up the club's finances to re-invest in more competent replacements.

As confidence in Spurs began to evaporate meanwhile, other richer clubs became increasingly unwilling to lend to them, except on prohibitively stringent terms. "We were rather hoping for Carlos Tevez from Manchester United," confirmed a club insider, "...but they'd only lend us Frazier Campbell."

However administrators were unrepentant, adamant that Spurs were not after all 'too big to fail'. After a weekend of often emotional deliberations, they voted not to set a dangerous precedent. "We refused to bail out Derby County last season," admitted a Premier League spokesman, "...though to be fair they had more points at this stage than Spurs do."

[Thanks to Luke and others for pointing this article out to us]