Number 11 bus syndrome

Tottenham appear to be suffering from the infamous Number 11 bus syndrome - you wait weeks for a point, then three turn up at once. But will they turn up? And when? And will there even be three of them?

All we can say at the moment is that they are waiting. And waiting. As of now, their minimum wait stands at 4 weeks:

Last point: Sun 21 Sep, Wigan (h)
Next fixture: Sun 19 Oct, Stoke (a)

We, too, wait in eager anticipation to see what hand fortune deals them. Come on you Potters!

Our Mission Statement

The GNERS is pleased to announce that it has adopted the following Mission Statement:

The Society, in consideration of the general health of the population, and mindful of the fact that there is a strong correlation between laughter and psychological well-being, encourages everyone to ROFL in whichever of the following ways take their fancy:

Laughing at the Spuds (tee hee), laughing at their fans (snigger), making up more jokes about their team (smiles), repeating endless jokes about their Club (chuckles), making jokes about their points failure (guffaws), their players (snigger, chortle), their manager (titter), their director of football (hysterical laughter), their board of directors (smirk, sneer, falls on floor clutching sides) - but most of all their two points (hyena impersonation while copious tears of laughter stream down face).

In accordance with scientific advice that such activities should be indulged in regularly but in reasonable moderation, the Society recommends that for a healthy lifestyle it is not necessary to ROFL all day long. Take a break every now and then. Five a day should be sufficient.

Proposed by Brian, Seconded by Northbanker
Passed unanimously

The last time Spurs were this bad

. . . was 1912.

P7 W0 D2 L5 Pts2

OK, we know at the end of that season it was Woolwich Arsenal who went down with the Titanic.

However, we take the Marxist view: "History repeats itself, the first time as tragedy, the second time as farce." * We look forward to the farce. In fact we're enjoying it right now.

Season 1914-15 was key: Tottenham finished bottom, but had to wait until 1919 to be relegated, when the league resumed after the end of World War 1; we hope they don't have to hang around as long this time.

Arsenal moved North of the river in 1913, and never looked back, finishing 5th in the Second Division in 1914-15, and therefore rightfully taking Spurs' place in the top flight when play resumed in 1919. All good for a laugh.

* Slightly misquoted from The Eighteenth Brumaire of Louis Bonaparte by Karl Marx. Download the full text free from Project Gutenberg.

Arsenal diehard who misspent his schooldays

"Football was my first passion - we used to spend every daylight hour kicking a ball around outside the flats - but I had a serious dilemma. I was an Arsenal fanatic but all my mates supported the enemy - Spurs. I enjoyed their friendship and didn't fancy going up to Highbury on my own when I could afford it so I started going to White Hart Lane with them.

This is not normal behaviour at all . . . "

No it isn't Bradley. It's not big and it's not clever. We're glad you've snapped out of it.

Read Bradley's account of his (temporary) descent into madness. A bagful of Olympic Golds suggests he's now fully recovered.

[Extract from Bradley Wiggins' autobiography In Pursuit of Glory; photograph: Javier Soriavo/AFP]

Can Tottenham finish in the top six again?

Today's Guardian Referendum. This is how it stands at the time of writing. You know how we feel. You know which way you should vote.

Googled

Bailout Plan Rejected

From reliable sources:

The world of football was rocked to its very foundations last night, when the controversial proposed bailout of Tottenham Hotspur FC was unanimously rejected by the Premier League.

The Spurs crisis began in 2006 when the Board inexplicably began to invest substantial sums in so-called subprime footballers, each of whom is now effectively worthless. "No-one bothered to check if these players had any ability to pay back the enormous sums that had been invested in them," said one anguished fan, "...the club just assumed their value would keep on rising."

With pressure growing from nervous creditors, Spurs were obliged to sell their remaining valuable players like Berbatov and Keane, leaving behind only 'toxic assets' like Bentley and Pavlyuchenko. "We spent £29million on that pair....seems crazy now doesn't it?" It is impossible to tell what they're worth now, because demand for such expensive mediocrity has completely dried up.

Spurs had begged the Premier League to create a bailout fund to purchase their entire first-team squad, thus freeing up the club's finances to re-invest in more competent replacements.

As confidence in Spurs began to evaporate meanwhile, other richer clubs became increasingly unwilling to lend to them, except on prohibitively stringent terms. "We were rather hoping for Carlos Tevez from Manchester United," confirmed a club insider, "...but they'd only lend us Frazier Campbell."

However administrators were unrepentant, adamant that Spurs were not after all 'too big to fail'. After a weekend of often emotional deliberations, they voted not to set a dangerous precedent. "We refused to bail out Derby County last season," admitted a Premier League spokesman, "...though to be fair they had more points at this stage than Spurs do."

[Thanks to Luke and others for pointing this article out to us]

Signalling problems

SERVICE ALTERATION
Because of signalling problems in the Seven Sisters area, journeys may be delayed by up to 45 minutes.

Route Affected
London Liverpool Street, Hackney Downs, Seven Sisters, White Hart Lane, Edmonton Green, Bush Hill Park / Turkey Street & Enfield Town / Cheshunt

National Rail Enquiries: Service Disruptions, 30 Sep 08

I saw it this afternoon on the noticeboard at Victoria Station, and thought there must be a Gooner in the control room on the Victoria Line ...

But no, sometimes life mirrors art, and truth is stranger than fiction. Although we do think they've understated it a bit - in our experience communication problems in the areas of White Hart Lane and Cheshunt tend to last the full 90 minutes.

Remember, you heard it first here.

All good things

. . . come to an end, sooner or later.

This historic instance of the Seven Sisters Conjunction lasted 7 days, from Sat 20 - Sat 27 Sep, and ended yesterday at 7.45pm, with this defeat resulting in our being pushed down into 4th place. Tottenham, the dears, did their bit, losing at Portsmouth today and thereby staying where they appear to be most comfortable. Alas, a futile endeavour - the damage had already been done.

So the Differential (or 'Gap') is currently 16. We very much hope it will get back to 19, soon.

Out of alignment

Gareth Bale hits the nail on the head:

"Out of alignment. Growth problems. Almost didn't make it. Bale could be talking about the club he now plays for, Tottenham Hotspur." (See Growing pains at the Lane, if you must)

But he was, we're sure he was.

There must be some mistake

We have studied this image carefully, and we are sure it has been photoshopped. Either that, or those responsible have deliberately chosen a point* on Forest Road near the junction with Wood Street in order to perpetrate their deception.

The GNERS would like to put out an appeal to those familiar with the area for a genuine photograph showing the correct score, so that we can set the record straight.

Our geographical section has analysed this map, and has come to the conclusion that the most promising locations will probably be found somewhere on Philip Lane, or possibly along the Great Cambridge Road. Another possibility could be the North Circular Road, in the Edmonton area, perhaps near Silver Street station.

* no pun intended

[Thanks again to Alan for bringing this to our attention]

Travel warning

Down the Tube: Transport for London are aware of the situation, but say it is not their responsibility.

[Thanks to Alan and his Geordie friend]

If we draw Spurs

The draw for the 4th round of the League Cup takes place tomorrow. If Arsenal are drawn against Spurs, Arsène Wenger insists he will stick to his principles.

"I will pick a team I think can win the game", he said.

[Thanks to Pierre and the researchers at Le Grove, who found this photo in a 5-star hotel somewhere]

Shocked by Spurs

We believe that THFC's newest recruit may well have hit the nail on the head. And he's only been there 3 weeks!

Roman Pavlyuchenko shocked by Spurs
“White Hart lane is crazy! I don’t even know how to describe it,” he said.
“You go out for a game and you get goose bumps. The fans sing, yell, and stand up and applaud. They don’t even need goals... "

We have distilled the essence of the original article for you, but if you insist you can read the full text here.

The Grove N5 Educational Research Society

We would like to make it clear that the team conducting this investigation are in fact the Grove N5 Educational Research Society (GNERS). They have a long association with the THoF Institute, dating back to Plumstead and Woolwich days, and accompanied them on their recent move from Avenell Road to The Grove. Although the research team itself is small, the Society has over 100000 members, and millions of supporters around the world.

Disclaimer
Views expressed here are those of the GNERS and do not necessarily represent those of the THoF Institute itself. Just in case you wondered.

Conjunction confirmed

Table 2 (above) shows that the current Seven Sisters Conjunction is not a momentary phenomenon. Indeed, researchers confirm that this table will stay valid until the publication of Table 3 on the evening of Sat 27 Sep, by which time Conjunction will have lasted a full week; Table 4 is due on Sun 28.

In the meantime followers of the Conjunction are expected to lose no opportunity to exercise their Bragging Rights.

The Seven Sisters Conjunction

Scientists at the North London research institute THoF believe we are currently witnessing what is possibly the first ever occurrence of a phenomenon known as the Seven Sisters Conjunction. This is defined as the moment when the two bodies AFC and THFC appear at the extreme opposite ends of their seasonal trajectories. Researchers refer to these extremes as positions 1 and 20.

The Seven Sisters Conjunction is a special instance of the more general phenomenon known as the Seven Sisters Differential. This is calculated through the formula: (x) AFC :: (y) THFC. At the present time the values of x and y are 1 and 20 respectively (please see Table 1 for details).

This gives the result: 1 AFC :: 20 THFC, so the Differential is currently +19 (see note 1), and the two bodies are indeed in a state of Conjunction.

The Seven Sisters Conjunction is by its very nature temporary. It could last as little as a few minutes, depending on what are known as KO times, or it could be a matter of days, weeks, or even months. The two bodies could slip out of conjunction, and then slip back in again later. However, there is a limit: Conjunction cannot carry through from one season to the next. Were THFC to remain in position 20 for the remainder of the present season, it would find itself relocated to a secondary universe or ‘Division’, and the calculations would have to be done on a different basis (see note 2).

A further point to note is that, were a situation of Conjunction, or near Conjunction, to persist, this could well affect the timing of the annual celebration of St Totteringham’s Day. Mathematically this cannot occur before the mid-point of the season, but observers will no doubt be watching with interest.

We will try to keep track of events as they unfold here.

Notes
1) You will notice that the Differential is expressed here as a positive value - this is normal. Negative values (ie, where the value for THFC is lower than that for AFC) have been known to occur, but they are atypical and are usually of brief duration.

2) Were THFC to be relocated to a secondary Division, the Differential would have to be expressed in the form: 1.x AFC :: 2.y THFC, and the value of the Differential would depend on the maximum values of these coefficients - for several years now (1) has had a max of 20, and (2) a max of 24.

As an illustration, in the event of a hypothetical situation of 1.1 AFC :: 2.24 THFC, the Differential would be +43 (1::44), and the situation would be classed as a Secondary Conjunction. This is regarded as highly unlikely to happen in the short term, but as the THoF researchers say, “you never know”.